Saint

by Staten

supported by
Brandon Eiler
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Brandon Eiler I fell in love with this album on the first listen. Within seconds of the opening track "Patricia" I couldn't stop listening. It was like an emotional roller coaster from start to finish. If you're looking for highly relatable music that will hit you right in the feels don't look any further. This album is perfection and I'm glad I found it. Favorite track: Garbage.
Pepe
Pepe thumbnail
Pepe Staten has been there with me in my darkest of days in my life and helped me and my heart with their beautiful and heart throbbing lyrics, calming instrumentals, and soothing vocals.

This album SAINT is their best work and blew me away. I swear you are missing out if you don't check this out. This album gets at my heart-strings. This is a masterpiece and I cant recommend this enough and their other albums <3

Love you dude, keep up the beautiful work Favorite track: Dogwood.
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about

Nothing hurts more than not being good enough for yourself. This was supposed to be a healing process for me, but it didn't heal the hurt. I tried.
I hope you enjoy my story.

July 2015 - February 2016

//

Available on Spotify, Apple Music, and iTunes.

credits

released March 3, 2016

Everything written by Justin Fernandez.

Recorded, mixed, and mastered by Justin Fernandez @ Salty Banana Recording Studios.

Justin Fernandez by Justin Fernandez

Artwork done by Emily Ashley. Check her artwork at: www.behance.net/byemilyashley

Additional vocals by Mary Angelique Demetillo on Something Quiet From Mother and Silver Plate. You are an angel.

Additional vocals by Zachary Fader on Dogwood. Love you boyf.

Additional vocals by Karl Fernandez on Madonna. Thanks for all the equipment and for pushing me to play the bass guitar when I was 8 years old.

Thank you to Patricia Pacis for all the inspiration to these songs. And for letting me cry on your chest when I wanted to give up. I love you.

For Marcano, Gafar, and Shaq.

To Kaley Bryant, Ryan Downing, Zachary Fader, Kourtney Kelley, Zachary Fader, Lauren Marshall, Victoria Schweitzer, and Taryn Shaver.

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

Staten Rahway, New Jersey

One man in a white room.

Thanks for listening.

contact / help

Contact Staten

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Track Name: Patricia
This must be the feeling my father
felt the first time when he saw my mother.
The ocean as music, the sand as their floor,
follow my footsteps and we’ll stay the course.

I wonder what his first words for her were,
“hey there, hi, why do you look so tired?
Probably cause you’ve been running through my mind”
She could’ve walked off but she laughed and she smiled.

Kiss me, hold me,
show me that
I’m not as worthless as I think
myself to be.
Please stay, please stay,
my father taught me how to love
I know what he taught was enough.

Is this the way that my father kissed her?
The sky burning out sunk in sheets together.
His lips nervously trembling towards her cheek,
her eyelids half closed, her nerves begging for peace.

I want to feel the rush he felt when he was on
his knee, ring in sight, the rough stillness of time.
Her breath desynchronized as she waters her eyes,
how did he know she’d look beautiful in white?

Kiss me, hold me,
show me that
life is worth
everything I’m dying for.
Please stay, please stay,
till death do us part
you’ll be my last breath
my parting thought.

I must be feeling what my father feels
when he looks at my mother, love’s ideal.
I never thought I’d have a love like this,
I’m glad it’s you I get to share my life with.
Track Name: Antilles
Evening night, feeling good,
summer’s eve, on the road.
Streetlights on, we’re alone,
warmth inside, but still cold.
Drown inside this alcohol,
clean our skin refresh our bones.
Evening night, infinite,
summer’s eve, finite dreams.

Empty canvas, stars inside,
anchor, let’s dive in, and you say,
“I don’t mind, I don’t mind.”
The colors painted deep inside
are inverted than what you display
on the outside, on your outside.
They’re fading, getting vulnerable.
God damn, you’re so beautiful.
Warmth and combine, warmth and combine.
No concern, take away the hurt,
I need you now, I need you more,
I need you in my life, in my life.

When you feel alone, come find me.
When you’re feeling lost, come find me.
When everything’s too much, come find me.
And when you feel alive, don’t forget me.

Evening night, suitcase filled,
departure’s eve, I don’t want to go.
Shut the lights, don’t want to see my room
cause all I want to see is you.
Focused on what keeps me sane,
lifeline installed in my veins,
evening night, suitcase filled,
departure’s eve, keep me safe.

Take off in a minute, but
I need to take a minute to
give thanks to your existence
without you, I wouldn’t be living.
All my fears that you remitted
replaced something “once was missing”.
Life’s different, I need your patience;
this color isn’t fading.
Track Name: Solace
I woke up without you again.
You left your imprint in my bed.
I woke up without you again.
You’re the love I’ll remember,
and I’m the mess you’ll forget.

It was 4am, I kissed your lips inside my car,
it was cold as hell, I saw the truth inside the dark.
You were scared as well, I caught the shiver from your hands,
and I told you everything you needed to hear, understand
that I loved you more, I loved you so much more
than you could ever comprehend.

You could’ve broken my spine
I’d still try to make amends.
I saw it hurt you more than it
could ever damage me.
God damn me for ever
thinking that you could change.
My fault, the melodies
you used to sing are
memories that haunt me
when I dream or when I’m barely wide awake,
how’d you fuck me up so badly
that I moved to another state?

Took a flight all by myself
where the heat resembles hell.
I’ll do this on my own
I don’t need someone else
to fix all of my problems
I got it, please don’t help.
Can’t tell me my feeling’s invalid
if it’s what I felt.

But I’m cautious
cause of all this
anxiety that I bottled,
my apartment
it’s haunted
not the bottle again
I can’t stop this.
Need solace,
I’m a monster,
blind eye for
a pill at the bottom.
I’ll ration my medicine
crush it and snort the end
losing my mind again
losing myself again.

Wake up alone, wake up alone,
never want to fall asleep without you.
Wake up alone, wake up alone,
never want to fall in love without you.
Drink by myself, fuck up my health.
Never want to fall asleep without you.
Losing the cause now that you’re gone,
never want to fall in love without you.
Track Name: Lagoon
You’re looking at me in the eyes,
but I’ll turn away,
Your mother says it’s your birthday,
well princess, I’ve got a surprise.

Take this sticker
you’ll be my honorary partner.
Let’s clean up this place,
let’s make this a home,
I’ll keep you safe.

You’re the first smile I’ve seen
directed at me,
the first one to thank me for all my good deeds.
You’re the only person to make me feel like it’s worth it,
like I belong
in a place that drains my passion and lungs.

I thought of drowning myself in that lagoon
when it got dark and all the guests have left the room.
But you, you saved me just by looking at me in the eyes,
it was all I needed, because of you I will survive.

At least I’ll try.
Track Name: 6201
Talks about being lonely
make me even lonelier.
Talk about doing good
never made me holier.
Well I’m not doing so well,
closer never opener.
At 4am I’ll dive into sheets
could always be soberer.

Wake up in the morning
feeling like I never tried.
I wake up in the morning
while the sun’s still on the rise.
I hope that it burns bright
today cause I could use that shine.
But it’s constantly a struggle to find time
to stay alive.
Vitals dropping lower, man,
I need to stabilize.
When to eat and what to drink
cannot prioritize.
I’m losing hope and faith
as quickly as my appetite.
Don’t know what the fuck
I’m fighting for
I put my hands aside.

While they getting their diplomas
I’ll be catching up on quotas,
loser, never moving, always using,
never sober.
Taking out the garbage
when depression’s on the margin
but if money’s on my mind
then why do I feel departed?
Cause Kaley’s telling me
to start believing in the magic
start believing in myself
before I leave or something tragic happens.
It’s a habit, I’m tryna break it,
create the happiness don’t try and fake it.

They’ll find all our footprints
imprinted in the carpet,
the dialogue of all our talks
are printed in that apartment.
The milestones that decorate
your wall will never move.
If everything just seems too much
I know I’ll look for you.

Hey Kourtney, what you doing right now?
We can walk around the city
see what it’s all about.
Go and pick out an outfit
or wear whatever you want.
Wherever you want,
pick apart a piece of your mind.

I found God in a little bit of you,
a southern angel with a halo made for two.
Taking in all of those flowers you removed,
place them in your hair
or you can place them in my tomb.

But I don’t think you want to hear me talk like that
I love you cause you understand where my mind’s at.
“If you’re feeling hurt or lost, you know we got your back.”
But I feel my spine decaying, keep myself intact.
Why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel like this?
How do I explain to all my family that I want to quit?
Not just the blood inside my veins but the ones I live with.
I’m so sorry but I’m tired of surviving at best.
Track Name: Dogwood
How could you just throw this all away?
We built this home, we built a family.
What, why do you think this is easy for me?
Everything’s loud and I just want quiet, please.

If you needed it all along
you should’ve told us a while ago
instead of shutting yourself off,
instead of acting like you don’t belong.
Well I don’t, you can’t tell me what to feel,
When I still feel so hollow,
surrounded by love but still alone.
That’s what hurts me most
knowing that I’m loved
and not being good enough
to keep up with everyone.
Why would you place your faith in me?
I was never strong cause I choked
another opportunity,
I’ll go back home with what’s left of me.

We both ran from mistakes
we left behind.
Did it help at all?
Cause I still feel them in my spine.
They break it down;
numbness as if paralyzed.
I hear the thorns growing,
the dogwood forming my demise.

Familiar in the strangest place,
the height of hell with a saving grace.
You don’t mean that,
please don’t think that.
Are you afraid to call this home?
The fear you hear is an undertone.
But it’s not so quiet,
wish it were quiet.

You’ll regret this
if you leave.
And you’ll forget me
when I’m gone.
Just be honest, I know it’s not easy,
When I arrive
they’ll forget their palms.

There’s nothing for me
I’m just living for nothing.
Dirty and helpless
come pick up this garbage.
I’ll drown myself in that lagoon
it’s a dumpster
to all of the things that I can’t accomplish,
Stop this.
no fuck this, this place is so haunted
memories die but they live on this concrete
and walk like they’re human but dearly departed,
a kingdom of graves, devoid of all solace.

I’ll fall apart like the rest of them.
Lose myself with all my kin.
Cause I don’t see a life worth living
if I don’t die a saint, then I’ll die as a sinner.

Fall apart like the rest of them.
Lose myself, then I’ll lose my pain.
Cause I don’t see a life worth living
if I don’t die a saint.
Track Name: Something Quiet From Mother (Interlude)
Go to sleep, everything’s okay.
Talk to me, I can make you safe.
Fall asleep, don’t fall apart.
Baby please, it’s not your fault.

Don’t be so hard on yourself,
it’s okay if you need some help.
Sing for me like I’m right next to you,
Don’t forget I love you too.

I wish I could fly down
from the clouds,
take the hurt inside your body
and pull it out.
Give you all the quiet spaces,
keep the sound.
The love inside yourself is lost,
but I’m still proud.
Track Name: Garbage
How could you ever love a dirty man?
This garbage came and stained my hands.
I’m filthy, that’s the sad fucking truth
I’m no good for you.

I hope you’re not embarrassed of my faults,
the failures that I engulfed,
indulged but I was starving for you
split this bottle in two.

How’d you find a lifeline
as long as the eastern coast?
I’ll let you down eventually
but thanks for keeping me afloat.

Every day I missed you,
every night I waited for,
every night I stayed awake,
hoping you’d say, “I love you more.”

How could you consider me as family?
I abandoned every single need.
It’s hard to give what I never had
and receive what I lack.

I fucked up first but I’ll never admit,
all this pain and this hurt and I still can’t feel shit.
Cause when I got myself termed my feelings went with
along with pride and an urn to put myself in.

I want to burn the shoes that touched the ground when I ran away.
It’s not their fault but god damn fuck; I can’t help but blame them.
I miss our walks and all the talks after 11 hour shifts.
Cause that was the first time I felt like I belonged.

Every day I miss you,
every night I’m waiting for
every night I stay awake,
hoping you’ll say I need you more.

Every day I missed you,
every night I waited for
every night I stayed awake,
hoping you’d say to come back home.
Track Name: Calvary
You threw color on all of my walls
but forgive me if I still see
black and white.
The shades of my room
fading now,
I make myself blind.

You’re my favorite song
to sing when I’m alone
or when I’m in front of everyone.
Can’t I be proud of the one thing
I didn’t let go?

When will I feel proud of myself?
I bear my failures like a cross on my back.
When will I feel proud again?
Calvary’s calling me towards the end.

Oh my, you forgot the palms
when I came back home.
It’s alright, you didn’t know
I’d be returning so soon,
you hoped I’d stay.

I thought I’d see my brothers
with open hearts,
now they’re the marks
that design my arms.
Someone please tell me
what I did wrong.

All I want is quiet, now.
What makes me think I deserve that crown?
When will I feel proud again?
Calvary’s calling me towards my end.
Track Name: Silver Plate
Where’s my silver plate?
You promised it’d take me away.
It’s not a cry for attention,
I need some help but no one listens.

Poor boy lost somewhere,
self-righteous bastard, nobody cares.
What’s the cost of buying new friends?
I don’t have much but I’ll give you what I can.
A failure, I went back home.
I fucking choked as I said I would.
Wish my call dropped when we last spoke,
I broke down in my room when I heard your voice.

Where’s my silver plate?
You promised it’d take me away.
It’s not a cry for attention,
I feel so alone but no one listens.

So if I drink and smoke and sniff
more than I talk,
it’s not your fault
but don’t tell me
to pray to God
as if he has a cure for
all this pain I got.
If He’s the one who made me
then I guess he fucked up.

Sorry mother, I’m just angry,
fucking hurt, I just want to leave so badly.
My child, calm down,
it’s really not that bad.
I’ll do whatever makes you happy,
just come back.

I’m so desperate
I’m such a goddamn mess.
It’s not for attention,
I promise I’m not lying,
I need someone to listen.
Track Name: Madonna
I don’t care when I die that I won’t be canonized
all that really matters is what I look through my mother’s eyes.

I hope I’m not alive when you hear this,
but baby don’t worry, it scares me too, I mean it.
I’ve been having such a hard time coping with my failures,
I feel so defeated, lost purpose and meaning,
I’d stop if I could if it'd slow down my breathing.
I haven’t felt good about myself in a while,
tried to compare my life with the stories in your bible
to see if I could be holier, less lonelier,
but talks about doing good never made me feel
like a saint, it only made me feel like a coward a fake.

I’m not afraid of not being remembered,
I’m more afraid of not enjoying the time
I have remaining.

Every single feeling that I’ve felt has been felt before,
and the only thing I feel is fear, never less, nevermore.
What scares me the most is that I’m still young,
you’re burning so bright, there’s more things to come,
but I don’t hear Calvary calling your name,
apostles in bottles, come on, keep me safe.

I don’t deserve a second chance
I choked too many times
I’m surprised I’m not dead.
I shouldn’t be called your family
I’m guilty for trying I just wanted
to belong, to feel loved
for someone to give a fuck.
It’s been too long since I’ve
gotten some help.
What the fuck’s point of living
if I can’t be myself?

I should just get over it all
I’m nothing special.
It’s all gone, tell Calvary to hold on
I’m coming soon.

But I care what you think about me,
say nice things about me,
say something, you love me, please.
Speak good at my funeral
cause even if I’m dead
I’ll still live for your approval.